My first experience about death was a very young age. My mother's mum died several years before I was born and consequently, she was never that 'grandmother' figure to me. Sharon, as she liked to be called, is buried in Nelson and every time we went and visited my mother's father and step-mum, we would go visit Sharon. For the longest time I couldn't understand why my mum would be so sad when we would go to the cemetery. But every time we went, I always felt really uncomfortable, because for some reason I knew that this place was a sad one but I never felt sad there.
Then, one of my brothers started to become curious about his birth mother (as both of my younger brothers are adopted from Haiti). My parents had to break it to him that the reason that he was in an orphanage was because his mother died and his grandmother was no longer able to take care of him. Suddenly there was something that was more relatable for me to understand about going to a cemetery. I couldn't imagine loosing my mum and for years I would have nightmares about my mother dying.
My family had always had pets in the house. At one point we had two dogs, three cats, a hamster, and several fish. Then one year, we had to put down two of the cats and one of the dogs. Both cats were very old and had a very poor quality of life because they were always sick and no longer able to eat because their teeth had fallen out from old age. We had to say goodbye to our dog who had become accustom to attacking the other dog and had even bit me once or twice and my parents couldn't take the chance that he would attack either of my brothers and myself as we were still in the early years of elementary school. This is one of the first ways that many children experience death at a young age unless something awful happens to them.
After that, nothing much happened until I was supposed to start high school. My mother's step-mum had an elderly mother who died. She was always very kind and made sure to always send us a happy birthday card to us, even though we were never really her great-grand children, except through marriage. One day we went to her care home for her funeral, which was I believe what anyone could have wanted; a celebration of life. That was the first funeral that I had ever been to.
During my last year in high school my dog, Lucky, died. He was very old and had crohn's disease and suffered greatly. He was always getting sick and could no long his ability to control his bladder. It was very sad to see him go, I had gotten him a few weeks after my brothers arrived to Canada when I was four. When things were coming to an end, I was in Europe with my school for spring break. He died three days after I returned.
Then just last year, my grand father on my dad's side died. He and I were very close, and we are coming up to the anniversary of his death within the next few days. Sorry if I don't say too much about him as it is still too soon. He died less than a month away from his and my grandmother's 50th wedding anniversary.
Just this year, my great-grand father on my mum's side, died at the age of 102, less than a week after his birthday. He suffered from extreme loneliness as he couldn't hear and wasn't very mobile after his second hip replacement several years ago. I never met him because he lived in Moncton, New Brunswick, and as you can imagine, it is very difficult to go out there with three children, no matter what time of year it is.
People deal with death in very different ways, but how do we explain to our children (especially if they are very young) that someone has died. Do we tell them that they moved, or that their pet dog went to a farm and tell them later on when they are older that they actually passed on? I really can't give you any advice about your son, Dr. McGuire.
Children learn about death in many ways. Sometimes it's through the loss of a pet or the loss of a family member or a friend. The only thing that I can say: is that through all of this, the best thing for me to have was a person who understood what I was going through and could let me grieve how I needed to.